When it all starts crashing down

I try my best to be a positive person. I try to smile through the pain, remain optimistic, accept reality, and find the bright side. But today I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself.

A few days ago I shared that I got not-so-great news from the University I applied to. In the face of that news I tried to remain optimistic- constantly reminding myself that not being in that program gave me other really amazing options and meant more freedom to do other things I wanted to do.

Well today I got some more not-so-great news. Turns out, I am allergic to EVERYTHING. I went to the Allergist hoping I could finally pinpoint the causes of my random outbreaks of hives and I ultimately found out everything is the cause. If you know anything about allergies then you might know that a normal person with normal allergies has an IgE level of about 100… well mine is 5400.

So today I am feeling pretty bad for myself. I’ve been working my ass off at work, for school, and for my own personal endeavors… I’m stuck in the house, there’s no where, really, to go… I’m itchy and uncomfortable, my dreams are shattered, I just pissed off my boyfriend who has been so supportive… and all I have now is a quiet apartment and tears.

Its a lonely place when it all starts crashing down. No one else can fix it, no one can make it better, no one can share it with you. I don’t like to feel bad for myself because I try to rise above the things that bring us down… but I’m so low right now.

Perspective-wise I know that other people have way bigger problems than me. But I am telling myself the same thing I tell my clients… that doesn’t invalidate my experience. This shit sucks.

So I am going to have a drink and binge Sex and the City and cry some more. I’m am not ashamed.

Just me and my blue couch and my sadness.

I’m just going to feel what I am feeling because when it all comes crashing down the only thing you can do is feel the weight, find your strength, and eventually break free from the rubble.

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