All His Useless Information.

Her mind was filled with useless information — what he was allergic to, his favorite foods, his favorite type of onion. All of that information was worthless now. She realized that she might as well have invested that time into studying the mating habits of turtles.

Was there any way to instantly rid her mind of the stuff? She saw something that would make him laugh, and she smiled thinking of his laughter. Then she frowned. God. Was it ever going to get better?

In sex ed, she remembered the teacher covering two dolls with velcro. A boy doll and a girl doll, of course. It was a Catholic school. The teacher stuck the dolls together, then pulled them apart. The girl’s hair got all tangled and ripped out. The boy stayed smiling. He had plastic hair that did not get tangled.

“This is what happens when you have sex before marriage,” the teacher had said.

It was been ridiculous. She found it funny then, and horrifying now. It wasn’t true. Why, then, did she really feel like that doll with the tangled hair?

It had nothing to do with sex, either. She had had sex before. This was something else. The teacher didn’t teach the lesson correctly.

That was what happened when you gave up everything you were for someone else. It had nothing to do with sex. It had everything to do with hollowing yourself out. She had dreams before all this, maybe. She wasn’t sure. But she could have had dreams.

Would someone else study him? No, probably not. She shouldn’t brag about that, either, not unless she wanted pitying gazes. What did you do that for? He can get his own damn onions.

She had responses. Things her mom did. Things her dad did. But, and she realized this now: They had nothing to do with him.

She grabbed $40 out of the stash of money she hid from herself. She was going to hit the casino. She didn’t care if it was full of smokers, drunks, whores. In fact, she preferred it. She wanted to see people living on the edge of life. She wanted to win, and she wanted to lose. She wanted to lose so badly and sink so low that she had nowhere to go but up.

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