My Patronus Has a Humping Problem

Magic

Exploring the Root Cause

A notoriously difficult spell to master, the Patronus charm will produce a silvery, ghost-like “guardian” animal. The specific animal is unique to each wizard, and is said to represent their truest, and often suppressed, self.

This has always made me insecure. What if my “truest self” projected in the form of a chicken, or a cockroach, or a rat?

So when I conjured my first successful Patronus in Defense Against the Dark Arts class, I was extremely relieved to see it take form as a dog. The silver German Shepherd emerged from my wand and galloped around the classroom. I named him Chester.

But my relief quickly turned to horror as Chester approached the instructor, mounted her leg, and began thrusting his hips.

“Chester, NO!” I yelled as I scrambled to restrain him. Frazzled and embarrassed, I let out a nervous laugh and apologized.

But this was only the beginning. Each time we’d practice this charm, I’d end up a sweaty, apologetic lunatic, chasing Chester around the classroom as he humped my classmates.

And as more classmates started to conjure their animals, it only got worse.

No matter how calm or peaceful the scene in the classroom, I’d set Chester loose and it would quickly become a Patronus orgy.

Chester humped a platypus, a kangaroo, an octopus. He humped a panda, a rhino, and a turtle. And as I separated him from a petite silver penguin, I realized that this was substantially worse than conjuring a chicken, cockroach, or rat. Chester is supposed to represent the deepest fiber of my identity, and he’s just... horny.

Lost and confused, I visited a psychiatrist to understand what within me could cause this to happen.

After some digging, the doctor concluded that my lack of intimacy and my deep desire for companionship were projecting through Chester in the rawest way imaginable. He recommended trying to meet a woman.

So that evening, I downloaded “Wand-r,” a dating app for wizards, and within hours, I had my first match: a pretty red-haired woman named Lana.

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